Trust Without Conditions

Does connection with God truly bring happiness? Many highly developed beings were clearly connected with God, but they weren’t as it would seem, the happiest people. Jacob, Moses, Rebbe Nachman – all highly evolved “spiritual” beings – though did their attainment yield them happiness? (Rebbe Nachman comes to mind, especially.)

Is connection with God what we really want? Or is that notion just a theological way of trying to make our pain go away? How much of our spiritual practice is an attempt to convince ourselves that everything’s really okay? Or at least that it will be okay soon? We find ourselves pouring our hearts out to God – in prayer, in isolation ( התבודדות ). Yet how much of that outpouring is real surrender, and how much an attempt to take control of what is beyond control? To eliminate pain where pain is inevitable – even constant? Or even worse – to exhibit to others how attained we think we are?! “Hey, I don’t need those pills, I’ve got God! Watch how attained I am!” Then no sooner do we find ourselves trying to rationalize, explain, and even justify God’s intentions!

Is there a place in faith-based, monotheistic religion for embracing pain with loving acceptance? For leaning into the sharp edge of our own most difficult insecurities, our worst fears, our most destabilizing thoughts? Breathing into the abyss. Focusing on our source. Actively remembering God in every moment. Trusting without condition? Without deal making? Without any guarantee of a warm, secure, predictable outcome, where we look, sound, feel, and smell okay.

Are we ready to journey beyond God as a happy pill? Beyond the illusion of control, of predictability, of justifying what can never be justified? Starring into the abyss with trust in God and confidence in ourselves. Or without confidence, just trust. Or with neither trust nor confidence; just doing it anyway, because sometimes our illusions have to fall apart totally, leaving us with nothing more than an idea that God is.

This prayer was first read at the Jerusalem sohbet, held in the home of my friend and teacher Ya'qub ibn Yusuf, on August 5th, 2012.